Hola chicos, como estas? So we're right back to Antigua, Guatemala! Yes, I loved it that much to go back straight away again. We always had other/additional intentions than just visiting.. but more on that below, ya? Oooof sigh. I have so many thoughts. And I'm not good at the self control thing-- I guess I'm better at just spitting out all my thought vomit and leaving it in the universe to just BE. So let's just keep doing that, ya?
I must have wrote this post ten million times in my head already-- every late night that I couldn't sleep I wrote and rewrote this post in a notebook in my head. But now that I'm sitting here-- I'm sort of at a loss to what to actually say, think, and write.
So I knew at least one of three things would happen this year. Or two of three. Or three of three. Point is, I knew at least one big thing would happen-- I didn't know when, how, or what.
But I knew the shift was coming. These three things, ideas, and plans came up many times in our household over the last year. Sometimes a plan in one direction would begin, but then energy would shift and a new plan would be made. Eventually it got to a point where we weren't deciding anymore, I decided.
We discussed and debated but I knew one of three actions would happen:
a) leaving the country: moving our family to guatemala
b) opening a business together
or of course: the combination of any and all of the above.
About a month ago, I chose option c) separating.
I asked Alex to move out.
He hasn't yet, he still lives here, in our house, and thats mostly okay, but the plan is for him to move out, soon, at some point.
I'm still the most passive person I know, but I did in fact, and finally say, I'm not in this anymore. And I asked him to move out.
I'm not-- I'm not in this anymore. To be honest, I haven't really been for a while. Or rather, I was on the fence for far, far too long. We haven't fought in god knows how long. Everything at home has been fine, but this hasn't been what I wanted for quite some time. The reality is that my heart hasn't been the same since our problems a few years ago. That there is outside baggage that he carries, but has no control over that affects him and us. That I've changed-- and yes, he has too, but I've really and fully plunged into change and wanting to actively change and grow more. The, 'it's not you, it's me' thing at it's finest. But the reality is, a good portion of it is me. That I have changed. I'm happier, more full, wanting to continue to grow and move forward everyday-- and if I'm going to be with someone, then I want someone who wants to do that with me. To be excited about that with me and for me. I learned a valuable lesson when I got sick: that life really is too short--- and I want to really live it-- to it's fullest and most positive potential. And right now, he's not excited for that. And that's okay. It's REALLY okay. Who he is, is okay. He's a multi-talented, kind (and handsome) person. He's got an endless number of positive traits that I fell in love with and still love-- but overall it's just not whats best for my life right now-- I'm ready to keep growing.
So I sat on the fence. And sat. And sat. Too passive to do anything. I'm so incredibly passive-- i'll keep mentioning that. Until one night, when I was out with friends-- thank god I was out with friends--- a day and night completely unplanned where the universe completely was on my side--- a day (or night rather) where I knew I had to make the change. I had two options that night: to break down and cry about my situation and fear of future or to just keep dancing and surrounding myself with positive energy. I walked off the dance floor holding back tears, took a deep breath in (and out) and made my way back to dance until the late hours of the night-- without fear of the future, just enjoying the now. And that basically sums up this month for me. I've been trying to be as fully present in my actions-- choosing good and fun and positive people and energy over fear and tears. There's too much negative things and people in the world to dwell on the bad-- I much prefer to focus on the good energy in the world.
I have plenty of reasons to be mad. And he probably does too. But we're okay. I love him and I care about him and his happiness, but right now I really think this is for the best.
The thing is, even now, even with the last option happening, that doesn't close the the door to the other options to happen. Not in my mind, and not in his either. There's no reason all three can't, in my opinion. I can both: not want to be with him in a relationship and still be content spending time with him or traveling with him and being a family to marlowe with him. I can both: not want to be with him and still see myself creating a business with him. A really good one. We're both skilled in different things, we balance each other well, and respect each other. We wouldn't have made it this far, for this long if we didn't. We make a great partnership and can create great things together and separately. I can see all those things as a very real reality and possibility. But in terms of an everyday marriage and relationship? I'm beyond ready to step out. I've been ready. Scared? Yes, of course. I'm human. But 'being scared' isn't a reason to not do things. And being comfortable isn't a reason to stay. (applies to so many things right now). I like comfort (and lack of fear) just like the next person, but I also want to fully live-- and sometimes that means stepping outside of my own comfort zones and limits.
I've said it before, but life has mostly chosen it's path for me. I didn't choose to get pregnant. To be a single mom. To become a blogger as a profession. To do most things. But I'm choosing this. It feels good to choose this.
Moving out of the country hasn't been taken off the table yet. It's still a very possible option. It just gets trickier. Does that mean we all go together? Does that mean Marlowe and I are there part time? Or on and off? I'm in no way planning to pull Marlowe away from Alex. Not like this. Parental laws and rights aside, both Marlowe and Alex deserve a relationship together. They both can grow from their valuable time together. So we'll see what happens. And if I'm being even more open-- I'm still very much using this trip away to Guatemala to look for the possibility of another home. Feeling it out-- seeing whats available. I guess I wanted to wait a bit more to talk about it, but renting or buying is still a very real option. It just looks different now, than it did when we started planning it three months ago.
And the business? Who knows! I've always had the entrepreneurial spirit. I want to always make more, do more, grow more. And ideas? Oh man, I have so many. Lack of ideas has never stopped me. It's always been lack of resources or recently, health. And those things don't seem like such big barriers anymore. I'm not really jump into any new plans right now, just seeing where the new path takes me, but the possibilities are always endless.
I guess the thing is that the future is wide open. And as mentioned, for the first time in my life, I have no real plan or ten billion back up plans. I just have right now. I'm making the best of the present-- and the people in my current life and friends I might meet in the future. Sometimes doubt or fear creeps in, but if I think about everything, logically and emotionally, I know this is the right choice.
And so what does this mean for this week-- for this trip to Guatemala? Well, it was open ended for a while-- the trip had been planned two or three months ago, before I asked for a separation. This month we decided to play it all by ear. See where we were when the time came for the trip. We're okay. And both totally capable of going on this trip (or any trip)-- and enjoying the hell out of it-- as a family, but not necessarily as a couple. My friend Nico is also joining in-- exploring markets, banana trees, and farms-- and loads of vegan food with us too. We're all excited and have been enjoying our time here. And Marlowe has been oh so happy with the chocolate and rambutan here. We loved traveling with Celia and Luna last time--- but people who aren't obsessed with chocolate confused us, haha. Things will keep changing and moving forward when we head back to the states, but right now? Antigua Guatemala adventure.
So yeah, I know I was being slightly vague about it, but thats basically the story of whats been making my life limbo-ish and upside down feeling. I've just been sorting it all out and trying to make the best of everything currently going on. The future is scary-- for so many of us in some many different ways. But the future will come--- it is inevitable, so I'm working on being excited for right now.
And I'll leave with this-- the seemingly never ending theme song to my life.Have a wonderful week, friends. I'll be sharing more amazinggg photos from Guatemala, so you can see more of why we want to move there-- and other posts too <3 Thanks for being part of my life story. <3
Kind of dreading hitting 'publish' on this one, but life is real and this is part of mine.
Que sera sera.