How are you guys?! I know it's only tuesday (night) but it feels like time is just flying by over here. My to do list feels exceptionally short and endlessly long all at the same time. I cannot even begin to describe the number of thoughts and ideas going through my head lately. You guys know that my head is always overflowing with ideas, but I feel like I'm at another upswing of never ending, always flowing thoughts. Gosh, I could write maybe, like, five different, ten page blog posts on completely different, but overlapping topics. Does that make sense?
I feel like, emotionally-- I'm in a really good place. Probably in a better place than I've ever been before. I've really been trying to shift my life lately. Not that my life was bad before (other than the obvious health issues)-- but I've been working on changing up routines, habits, relationships, everything. And it's been good. Really good. Things are not perfect. I mentioned it, things are bit upside down actually. But me? I'm good. Honestly, sometimes it feels strange, almost alien like to how well I'm feeling lately. It's been a long time.
I got to a point where I didn't want people to even ask me how I was doing anymore. I was so tired of being the downer. Tired of telling the truth-- tired of having to say that I still wasn't well-- that I was still breathing in and out and working on it. I'm so grateful. So so so grateful to be past that. Is my gut completely better? No. Is my tinnitus gone? No, it's still present everyday. Am I still teeth grinding? Totally. But overall, I feel good. Really good. And I know it's only going to get better.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm having a hard time even sitting here and writing this post. I have too many thoughts to focus. I want to talk more about my health, about relationships (specifically friendships), about whats going on to make things upside down, about farming, about frequencies, about everything. Absolutely everything. I feel like thats where I'm at right now-- I'm taking in so much around me and it feels so good.
Have you guys ever read about vibrational frequencies? About "raising your vibrations" (thats sounds so crunchy, doesn't it?). About attracting the kind of energy you put out and vice versa. It's the same idea of putting your thoughts and well wishes in the world-- positive energy brings positive things. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I mean, not so much about actively trying to 'raise my vibrations'-- or anything like that, but just about how what you give and what you put in (and out), surrounds you. It's present everywhere-- even in my very household.
I feel so charged by the positive people around me lately. I've always made it a point to take out (or at least try to take out) the negative affecting parts in my life. (People are very much included in this list.) I think about where I was when I got pregnant, before I got pregnant, and in the first few years of Marlowes life. And I can very well see how the people I surrounded myself affected my mood, my day, my life. I feel like I was filled with a lot of negativity and unable to hold on to much of the posititves that may have entered. I see how I am now, with the people around me--- how the better I feel, the better people feel around me. It feels almost silly typing this, but I do know it to be a reality.
I must have joked with 10 to 15 people in the past week that I was going to put out an ad saying I was looking for an organic pineapple farmer to be the man of my dreams. And you know what happened to me yesterday? An organic pineapple farmer walked right up to me and started a conversation with me. Really. And completely. What on earth on the chances of that happening? How is that even possible. Amazing right? So strange, so random, yet so incredibly and completely perfect.
Gosh, I know the last two years of my life were hard. Really emotionally and physically hard, draining, self esteem challenging-- something I would never wish upon anyone, ever. But now, I feel almost grateful for the madness-- the health shit show. I wouldn't have gained all the knowledge I gained this past year, the insight, the intense growth, everything.
Life is in no way what I ever could have planned it to be. And I've been asked A LOT lately, "well what are your plans now?" And you know what. I DONT KNOW. NOT AT ALL. And for someone who used to make a plan, and three back up plans just in case-- well, life is totally and 100% okay without a plan right now. I'm just here, open, and present. Grateful for the relationships in my life that are opening my mind to new insights or helping me embrace my own ideas. Grateful for the books that almost feel as if they fall into my hands. Grateful for the sunshine and living food that makes me feel alive again. And really just overall grateful to have the chance to live this wild, uncertain life.
-photo by miss celia d. luna. in antigua guatemala. aug. 2016.