I sort of love how small the internet can make the world. I def. think there are more pluses than negatives when it comes to accessibility and a smaller world feeling on account of the internet. Do you? I've certainly made my fair share of really close friends due in part to the internet. And I've certainly freaked Alex out recently when I told him I made many (basically all) of my friends in Arizona via craigslist when I was living there. But craigslist was a much less creepy thing at that time-- you could actually make friends on it, haha! And I swear none of them were weird or turned out to be a serial killer. But maybe I got lucky? Who knows.
I met Celia via the internet. I feel very lucky to have such amazing people reach out to me via comments or emails or whatever. She was def. one of them. We clicked pretty instantly. It was sort of a slow growing friendship-- as she doesn't live right in town, but we still clicked and it still worked. I feel super lucky to have her + luna in me and M's life. And you know, almost every single day I do wish she lived right in town! Sometimes I think I'd love her to live right in my home--- but if we're being completely honest here, her and Luna might be a bit too messy for our anal-retentive home needs. So next door or right in town might be better--- you know, in her own messy house :)
I've met far less people since getting sick. Not because I didn't want to meet people and not because people didn't reach out to me-- but you know, it's sort of hard when you're mostly bedridden. I had a few people reach out-- some offering to help in anyway they could (amazing), some just wanting to meet up or hang out (cool), but some seeming more like they waned something from me and seeming completely oblivious to the fact that I was mostly in bed for months (weird, so weird) and actually offended when I said I was a bit tied up healing (so weird). I'm obviously far from bedridden now (omg, yay). And I am of course always excited to meet new people--- new people offer so much-- new point of views, new insights, and new adventures. It was super hard not having the mind-space or energy to do any of this before.
It's weird (interesting might be a better word) looking at my friendships now. There seems to be an obvious difference (for me) of "friends I knew before I got sick" and "friends I met since getting sick". New friends don't know the difference-- but I feel and see it. It's like they only really know part of me. Not just because the friendships are newer, but because I'm so very different than I was before. More restrictions, more concerns, but also more openness to take more risks. Contradicting traits, I'm aware. I'm sure I feel and see this faaaaaaar more than anyone on the outside. And thats okay.
I know that over time there won't be such a gap. The before and after feeling will slowly fade out and friends will just be friends to me--- not the "friend I made after getting sick." Does any of this make sense? I'm having trouble finding the words to explain my thought process properly. I'm just lucky that time is never standing still--- it's one of the things you can always and forever count on to move forward. Progressing, advancing, and bringing on change.
I'm excited and nervous for changes ahead. More now than usual. I know I mentioned it this week, but there's been this anxiety growing. Sometimes quickly, but sometimes it's hardly noticeable. I'm happy to say that after writing it all out, I did feel a release. Not completely at ease, but I did pick my self up and move forward into a more positive space.
I'm weird about the internet. I have a hard time following new people on instagram. Is that weird? Let me explain. It's part of my commitment issues for sure. It's just that I'm nervous I'll follow someone too soon (like jumping into a relationship too quickly) and soon there after realize that we don't click or connect like I thought we would.... and then I'll feel the need to unfollow. And if I unfollow? I'll feel bad. Genuinely terrible! Is that crazy?! So I'd rather not follow, in fear that it might not work out and I'll feel guilt. Okay, it's crazy. Luckily I don't treat real life friendships and relationships like this though! I know, it's just instagram and it shouldn't be taken that seriously or that personal, but I fear making people feel bad unintentionally.
I didn't have that fear with Molly. I saw her feed and within seconds was messaging her that I was in love with her and moving in. I believe the proper term for that is "u-hauling"-- you know, jumping in waaayy too quickly and bringing all your stuff with you too. Though it is more used as a lesbian term, it's sort of fitting with my life too often. But anyway--- yeah, I basically u-hauled Molly with my extreme love for her. But something just clicked.
And when we met in person, it just felt natural too. Like we had been friends for years. I felt like I could just whip off my bra and just hang out. That image screams comfort, right?
I feel lucky to have a lot of those friendships happen. Or just relationships in general. I feel lucky to have any and all the friendships and relationships around me (so many good people in my life), but I feel beyond grateful for the people that I instantly clicked with--- that magic pull-you-in chemistry.
A lot of this Guatemala trip was like that for me. I had that instant click and that pull you in feeling knocking on my head over and over. And I was not disappointed when I got there. There were no dreams that I had dreamed too big. Everything I hoped to expect was there. You know, I do that too often.... It's just in my nature, but I day-dream and over-dream and find myself let down by my own day-dreaming. This being no ones fault but my own imagination. It's one of those weird quirks of mine that I've grown to nurture and accept. I'm not boring, thats for sure. Haha.
Sometimes it feels like I should feel crazy doing things like picking up my kid and flying us out to stay in hawaii or meeting with strangers online or doing whatever the hell crazy things I've chosen to do. But it always feels right too. I mean, my gut is there for a reason--- to feel it out and know what feels right. And for the most part, that gut feeling has been dead on. It gets complicated when I do get in my own way or in moments like these when I'm trying to figure out what exactly my gut is telling me-- but these moments are rare.
Right now I'm trying not to over think or over feel and just listen to what my gut (and heart and head) are telling me. Or better yet-- I'm trying to get all those things to agree on one thing. And hey, if all else fails, I'm going with my back up plan: just jumping right in!
But in the meantime, I'm grateful to spend time with friends that cheer me up. Friends that get me out of my own headspace. I'm grateful to cook dinner with people, to go out at night, to veg on the couch all day-- to do whatever. Time is short. Life is uncertain. But time and life are both pretty freaking cool.
Cheers to jumping into life head first!
ps. All these photos were taken at Molly's house in Guatemala. Isn't it a dream? :)
and plus also: I totally didn't mean to post all this. I had planned to sit down and share pictures... but then I just started going off. Funny that a few of the conversations that took place between Celia, Molly and I were about this very thing! I get asked often how I create so much content (still averaging about five posts a week, 6 years later!) -- but I guess the trick is just thinking and over thinking and having zero problems spitting it all out for the world to read ;)
Hope you guys are having a great week <3