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Holding Patterns


I've been feeling super pent up lately-- which I know is super crazy and unnecessary since I (JUST) got back into the country less than a week ago. But I can't help it. You know, and I'm not saying that the cure for this is me being out of the country and traveling all the time-- because I know it's certainly not and thats not necessarily a long term sustainable lifestyle. I think it's a combination of things. I think part of it is due to travel, sure. I just spent everyday waking up in new and existing places to explore. Traveling rarely leaves room for boredom. I did think that I would come home and feel more excited to be here-- relieved. Like, that I would find comfort here again-- I could breathe in and out in the downtime. But instead I'm feeling pretty cooped up. The weather doesn't help. Rainy season is still going on full force. I've been craving sunshine and even the beach (I rarely crave the beach anymore) but everyday I wake up hoping the sun will meet me and it rarely does. And when it does? Well it's still too hot here in Florida. There's this thing that happens every August when people have just had enough--- the heat becomes unbearable. Super lucky for me that I was away for most of August-- so it's just hitting me a bit later in the season. I'm in my first week of September and I've got that August summer bug where most of us complain about this insufferable heat. I'm tired of this air conditioning running. I want to breathe real air. And not zika sprayed air. I don't want to go into a total ranty target but more bees are dying due to the governments spraying. It's kind of obscene how unsafe the government makes our air and waters. But whatever. I'm not going to change that in my mood and rant now, ya know?

Back to my mind farts and self challenges.... I'm feeling antsy. The thing is I know a lot of it is my own doing. I think it's a combination of the weather and post traveling blues, but I think it may also be part in doing to my recent new intake of caffeine and wine drinking on my trip. I'm feeling antsy, or anxious, or some sort of excited sounding word that holds a negative connotation--- I'm just not sure which one.

Alex and I are making a lot of changes in front of us. and I love the excitement of change. But this time I feel more stuck in the process than excited by the process. I need to change that. I need to readjustment my thinking and holding patterns. I'm going to make it a point to wake up and get out more. Even if it means sitting by myself in a coffee shop, I want to make it a point to let go of old habits and start new ones-- like I do when I'm traveling. When I'm traveling, I don't mind sitting in a place where I know no one and making new friends, so why do I have such a hard time letting go and doing that here?

I don't want to commit to anything. I mean, I have serious commitment issues, I think we know this. But especially now, I feel like it's easier to let go than to hold on to things. I'm trying to use this feeling as an advantage-- a purging. I know it's not sensible for me to commit to things--  not in my current mood or my life state. Right now I need to let go, break habits, and move forward in release. Emotional release, physical release, habitual release, all sorts. Trying to turn the negative situation into a learning advantage.



I think one of the hardest things is that both Alex and I feel overwhelmed by our home right now. We're both able to live in much smaller places with much less things, and are looking around thinking, when did our life grow this much? I think we're ready for that winter cleaning (it's more of a winter cleaning here in Florida, not so much spring). We're planning a yard sale soon-- our first ever. I'm hoping to sell some items online too--  but don't hold me to that-- because you know, commitments. But feel free to reach out if you want anything in particular. Nothing is safe from our purge except for severely sentimental items (of course).... and curtains, I have no desire to part with curtains ;) We do still love our home, immensely. I'm so grateful for this place, and hoping that small changes to this space and to my attitude will help me be excited to be here again. I know my head and writings go to this thought all the time-- but it's always true, "imagine having to carry the weight of everything you own." this thought is so heavy on me right now. Right now I'm craving less things around me and more people, sunshine, and adventures.

I know my mood is 95% internal based and not external, so I'm working on it. Even right now as I type. I think just admitting that there's things to be changed and that my life and mood isn't 100% peachy has helped. The last thing I want to do is be stuck here. I know I won't be, because I fully realize where I am, where I've come from, and were I can go, but I'm reading to move forward and release these patterns now.


Other random thoughts:
I might join a gym. But again, scared of that commitment issue. But it felt good being sore everyday from traveling, and it's too hot to have that here in Florida--- so maybe an indoor gym it is.

I mentioned I would be doing a huge giant change once I got back from France. Well, I'm back and the only changes I made haven't exactly been positive to my body. I want to write a big post on what my thoughts are-- the changes I  planed to make and maybe figure out if I still will make them. Maybe it will happen, but for a much lesser time period.


Alright friends. I hope you're having a good first week of september. And if not, I hope it changes or you change it soon. Thanks for being here.

4 comments:

  1. I have followed you for years but never left a comment, but I must today because this summer your blog became my down time reading (I read lots and lots of posts... old, personal or practical) and I am completely in love with your voice and your gentle take on everything (on life, you, on others). You mention caffeine today, I stopped it I'd say about three weeks ago and everything is much better. I hope to stick with it because I know what it does to my neverending internal chat and I don't want to live like that! Thank you for all that you've created here. Warm regards from Spain : )

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  2. Recently back from time away here as well, and I completely understand what you mean about breaking old habits and starting new ones. I've been feeling exactly that. I need to concentrate on how I want to shape things. Being away is good I think. Looking at things from somewhere else is very refreshing. It all becomes a bit clearer somehow. And September always seems like a good time energy-wise for me. Wishing you luck with your changes. CJ xx

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  3. I completely understand the feeling of looking around and wondering "where did all this stuff come from?" Even with the most minimalist of intentions, you still accumulate sooo much in a house that's kind of too big for two people (there is only two of us!) I hope the rest of your September turns around. I think the constant noise of the political season is getting a lot of people down. I just wish everyone would approach it all with more of an open mind, stop polarizing each other and what not. Positive thoughts to you!

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  4. Totally feeling your sentiments in this post. Maybe its a throw back to when we were more nomadic (like last week for you! haha!) - but seriously, before humans became settlers in communities - you could only take with you what you could carry before moving on again. I think the changing seasons makes it feel evermore obvious, nature signalling the passing of time. I look around and think 'what's the point in all this 'stuff' It's time for a stuff purge. Mentally and physically. Good luck :)

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