Hi friends! How was your weekend? We had a pretty good one :) A fun saturday and a laid back sunday. Just what we needed. I can't wait to put the saturday pictures on my computer :) A lot of cuteness.
My head has been racing everywhere lately. Alex told me that when he thinks about my thoughts and emotions he just pictures a little ant pinging around an ant farm. Ping ping ping, quickly in and out of every room and crevice. I'd say that's pretty accurate, though to be honest, it usually feels like too many ants visiting my oh so many thoughts. Oh well, thats me. I've always been that way. And I've certainly been this way lately. The good news is, it's been mostly good thoughts, with the exception of a few nightmares I've had, I don't think I've been dwelling on any negative stuff at all. Just realities and future ideas.
There seems to be a lot of questions about the future, but isn't there always? Aren't we all just waiting to see what happens. Or not waiting, but living. There has been so much change in our home and in me this past year, it's really quite crazy. And this next year is guaranteed to bring a lot of change too. Alex and I had a pretty good talk yesterday--- I let out a lot of my thoughts that have been floating through my head. The what if's and maybe's. It's hard to have closure on what if's and maybe, isn't there? We both decided that this year would bring a lot of change for our family-- probably some of the bigger changes the three of us have experienced together-- and thats okay. We'll see what happens.
I'm not really scared of the future anymore. I think especially after this year, I'm just seeing how short life is, and whatever happens, will happen. I tell this to Alex, almost all the time-- that you've got to find a way to be happy no matter what is going on. And maybe not outwardly happy in whatever situation is going on, especially if it's a shitty one, but you've got to find a way to feel grateful. Because essentially happiness is just gratitude. You know?
I feel better now. For the past year and a half whenever I was asked how I was feeling, I would painfully say, "breathing in and breathing out"-- because that's all I could really say. Thats all I was really able to do. Breathe in, breathe out. It's that moment where you run into someone you haven't seen in a while and they ask how your day is going and you don't want to pour out all the bad things that happened that day, you just smile and say "good". Keep it easy. That was me everyday. Every single day.
But for the first time, I've been able to give a response with a smile-- I've been able to say,
"I'm good, I'm getting better!"
Am I in the same place as I was before? No. Am I better than before? No. But that's okay. I'm just in a different place. And to be quite honest-- I think some of the changes that were brought on by this past year are in fact better than before. Parts of me that have changed and grown have been positive. Very positive. Physically, I'm still rather thin, out of shape, and my stomach still struggles (to name a few things of an endless list) but emotionally, I'm stronger than before. Calmer than before. More mindful, more peaceful, and more stable than before. This year taught me how to slow down--- and it did teach me to breathe in and breathe out, every single day. I can confidently say, I feel human once again. I feel alive and living once again and I want to be present in this feeling.
Like I said, I don't know what this next year will bring. I've thought of future plans for my family. And Ive thought of separate plans for myself. For now we're still mostly going through the actions. The day to day. I'm still trying to figure out if I thrive better with stability or in change. Sometimes I think I'm not meant for routine and then I look back through my day or my week and see how truly routine my life has become. I think I fall somewhere in between the line of being content with routine and feeling sparks of liveliness in the mix up.
I know I mentioned big changes were coming before. We laid out two options in front of ourselves. One was stay and grow here. One was pick up and go for a year-- my original first choice. We're going to stay and grow here. I thought this choice would make me antsy or angry or unhappy. But it doesn't. It's just part of the path we're taking. And it'll lead to the next change, whatever that may be.
When I'm asked what's next, I tell my friends about our family plans for the future-- for this year-- a straight forward business plan.
And then I tell them, as for me, this. Right now it's just this. I want to keep sharing and oversharing my thoughts on this space. There are times when I'm not completely certain about it-- but then I stick with it and I'm always happy I do. Because I then find myself on days like today where I sit down with intentions of posting something completely different and without planning to, I find comfort in spilling out my guts once again. I want to stay here, working in this space. And working on myself. For now, the only plan for me is to keep moving forward, and doing all the things I like best. Searching for and being part of as many happy moments as I can. I want to spend more time with friends. I want go to out at night again-- dinner, dancing, all the happy things that I enjoyed before last year. I want to enjoy my home space. Enjoy wild energy, and quiet moments to myself. I just want to be here, doing the things that make me happy. That's my plan. Life is short, I'm here to enjoy it. And I want to take more chances. Again. Like I used to. I want to live in a routine-- but cap it off somewhere too. I want to feel awe-inspiring but stable emotions. Slightly contradictory feelings, I know, but I think I'm capable of both.
At this point, I think we're all capable of everything. The health anxieties I've experienced this year are leaving. The emotional and personal anxieties I've experienced my whole life are leaving too. I'm not sure if it's because of this last year, my diet change, my breathing in and breathing out, or all of the above, but I can no longer picture an opportunity for panic. There is no panic anymore. I'm mindful of what I choose to surround me in my life. I'm mindful of my own emotions, that sometimes they might get tangled or confused. I am human. Our wants, desires, and feelings don't always have to make sense. They just are. Sometimes I might overstep myself or my own boundaries and that is okay. whether I step back or step forward, I'm still here, ready to enjoy everything in front of me.
Life is good here and I am grateful.
Have a wonderful week friends. Thank you again for being here. For letting me spill my emotions here (as grammatically incorrect as they may be), for letting me share snippets of my life in picture form on insatgram, and show my face and randomness on snapchat too. Thank you. Happy monday.