So yeah, a one kid family. Not the craziest thing, not exactly the most common either. Something we have though, happily. I never really thought I would do a follow up out, but as mentioned a good amount of you guys (enough to justify an entire post) have messaged me in the past year about my thoughts. Do I have regrets? Have a I changed my mind? Do we all still feel the same?
You can read my last post on the subject HERE, if you'd like.
I'm not sure where to start. Maybe I should start by telling you guys that I really wanted a second kid--- a few months ago. Like, Alex and I had talked on and off about the potential for a second kid for a while. "Should we? Shouldn't we? Let's just keep thinking, talking, deciding."
Then this one month came along and I'm not sure what happened but I went into full force, "Yes, a second kid is what I want. We're going to do this" This GO feeling lasted approximately one month until I changed my mind back again completely--- returning to my original thought, that a one kid family is good for us.
We kind of did the, "well, lets see what happens thing" and when the time to see if something happened, boy oh boy did I want my period. I wanted nothing to happen. I wanted life to be exactly the way it was and is. And I waited for my period to come-- and it came right on schedule and I was relieved. That moment of over-thought and fear really came and hit me hard when I was waiting and this feeling of, "what was I thinking?" was strong. I then realized I completely and totally didn't want to move forward with the idea of having another baby, a second kid.
So yeah, if we're being totally and completely honest here, thats what happened. Six years since I was last pregnant and there was only a small (very recent) moment where I opened up to the idea of another-- opened up enough o try, but it was short lived. Very short lived.
I think a big reason why my head went to "maybe a second" this year is due to my sickness. When I started feeling better, I don't know, the thoughts started slowly creeping in. And to be really honest, I'm not sure if it was more of a "you want what you can't have" thought or if I really wanted a second. Like, for the first time in six years my body was too sick, too weak, too thin, and too tired to really be ready for pregnancy, and I wanted it. Sounds like a "want what you can't have" situation, right?
I guess I still feel the same as before--- I would love to be pregnant again, to experience birth again, but there's not a big yearning inside me for the actual part when another baby/kid comes in. The idea of Alex and I going through a pregnancy and early stages of parenting together sounds dreamy. The image of us enjoying that time together instead of me alone and crying (womp) sounds really wonderful. Something that's always seemed so romantic. Something I would have loved to experience--- we would have loved to experience. But at the end of the day, thats not enough reason to have another kid. You know? Idealistic vs. realistic.
For Alex, well, he's still on the same boat too. If I wanted another baby and said "let's do this" he would be on board (like he was a few months ago). I don't have the fear that he would leave me again if it happened, thats long past. He would be in and ready, but at the same time, he doesn't have this wanting or urge to grow our family either. If I ask him, "do you want another kid?" His response is usually, "sometimes I think yes, but mostly, I'm okay how we are."
We're a happy triangle. The three of us work well together, travel well together, do everything well together. I like our dynamic. And I know that bringing another child into the world wouldn't mess up our triangle, it would just change our triangle, but we're happy how we are. Even Marlowe say's she prefers not to have another sibling. That may change over time for her, I don't know, but we're all good and happy. From a love and heart standpoint, we have all the love we could want with our tiny triangle.
To be honest, I'm not sure what makes people want bigger or smaller families--- why some people dream of five or more kids and some of us are only content with one. I can't really explain it. But five and a half years after giving birth to one, I'm still happy with one.
And really, if I go deeply into thinking about small and large families my mind goes here: From a mind and practical standpoint, one makes sense. I've always been hesitant to bring this up in past posts because I don't want to offend others who choose to have large families-- that's their choice to make. But I feel like there's really not that much I can do to save our Earth from the direction it's heading in--- but one small choice I can make is to choose to have one child-- and if I ever want more, to adopt. Sustainably, our family is creating much smaller foot print by making this choice. More people = more rainforests being pulled up, more waste, it just more need from this already struggling earth. Is me having two kids vs. one kid really going tomato a HUGE difference? No, but it'll make a small one. So I'm happy, hoping that my one small kid will make a big difference, now and later. You know?
I don't know, there's just so, SO many thoughts that go into my head when I think about having another kid--- more than just breast-feeding and long nights. When I think about diapers, I don't just think about changing them, I think about what that really means-- all the steps involved and how it affects us and EVERYONE. And yes, I used cloth before, but still, there's just so much that goes into all of it. My head maybe goes too deep into all of it. Everything from my health, my teeth, the space (or lack of it) in our house, the cost of airline tickets, birth in a hospital, my grumpiness from lack of sleep, Marlowe having someone to grow old with, the idea of Marlowe squeezing and loving a little baby, Alex holding our baby and me looking at Alex with love instead of anger (heh), weight loss from breast-feeding, lack of weight gain now, diapers in landfills, the cuteness, my work schedule, and on and on and on. Never ending, over thinking thoughts. But thats okay for me. I can handle my thoughts.
I guess at the end of the day I can think of a million reasons why getting pregnant again would be nice and I can think of a million reasons why we're better off as if. So where we stand now: If I were to get pregnant again, it'd be okay. I'd probably panic for a bit and ask myself over and over again, "can my body handle this?" but overall, we'd all be okay. But we're not trying to get pregnant now, soon, or ever. My friends all joke that my instagram would probably do a lot better if I was constantly pregnant and having more babies, haha. But we like things just the way they are ;) We've got one really good kid.
And to end this, how cute are these three together?! I like the idea of Marlowe having siblings to grow old with. But I guess I really lucked out living so close to family-- and I know for sure that my brother is not going anywhere. Marlowe has that. And man, she is absolutely the best big cousin I've ever seen. We're good, lucky, and happy.
ps. The cousins came over and I realized all three were wearing tie-dye, completely unplanned. Perfect, right? :) I think my friends are right-- it's a pretty cute image, maybe people would like my instagram more if I was posting undeniably sweet and happy scenes like this all the time ;) Sorry instagram, no more kids for you-- just more of my feet and garden ;)
pps. I feel like this isn't even all my thoughts, but it's a good bit of them. You guys know I over think and ramble. We're happy with our choice and I happy with whatever anyone else chooses for themselves too :)
Hope you're having a good week!