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A Follow Up To Choosing To Have One Child





So yeah, a one kid family. Not the craziest thing, not exactly the most common either. Something we have though, happily. I never really thought I would do a follow up out, but as mentioned a good amount of you guys (enough to justify an entire post) have messaged me in the past year about my thoughts. Do I have regrets? Have a I changed my mind? Do we all still feel the same?

You can read my last post on the subject HERE, if you'd like.

I'm not sure where to start. Maybe I should start by telling you guys that I really wanted a second kid--- a few months ago. Like, Alex and I had talked on and off about the potential for a second kid for a while. "Should we? Shouldn't we? Let's just keep thinking, talking, deciding."

Then this one month came along and I'm not sure what happened but I went into full force, "Yes, a second kid is what I want. We're going to do this" This GO feeling lasted approximately one month until I changed my mind back again completely--- returning to my original thought, that a one kid family is good for us.

We kind of did the, "well, lets see what happens thing" and when the time to see if something happened, boy oh boy did I want my period.  I wanted nothing to happen. I wanted life to be exactly the way it was and is. And I waited for my period to come-- and it came right on schedule and I was relieved. That moment of over-thought and fear really came and hit me hard when I was waiting and this feeling of, "what was I thinking?" was strong. I then realized I completely and totally didn't want to move forward with the idea of having another baby, a second kid.

So yeah, if we're being totally and completely honest here, thats what happened. Six years since I was last pregnant and there was only a small (very recent) moment where I opened up to the idea of another-- opened up enough o try, but it was short lived. Very short lived.


I think a big reason why my head went to "maybe a second" this year is due to my sickness. When I started feeling better, I don't know, the thoughts started slowly creeping in. And to be really honest, I'm not sure if it was more of a "you want what you can't have" thought or if I really wanted a second. Like, for the first time in six years my body was too sick, too weak, too thin, and too tired to really be ready for pregnancy, and I wanted it. Sounds like a "want what you can't have" situation, right?

I guess I still feel the same as before--- I would love to be pregnant again, to experience birth again, but there's not a big yearning inside me for the actual part when another baby/kid comes in. The idea of Alex and I going through a pregnancy and early stages of parenting together sounds dreamy. The image of us enjoying that time together instead of me alone and crying (womp) sounds really wonderful. Something that's always seemed so romantic. Something I would have loved to experience--- we would have loved to experience. But at the end of the day, thats not enough reason to have another kid. You know? Idealistic vs. realistic.

For Alex, well, he's still on the same boat too. If I wanted another baby and said "let's do this" he would be on board (like he was a few months ago). I don't have the fear that he would leave me again if it happened, thats long past. He would be in and ready, but at the same time, he doesn't have this wanting or urge to grow our family either. If I ask him, "do you want another kid?" His response is usually, "sometimes I think yes, but mostly, I'm okay how we are."

We're a happy triangle. The three of us work well together, travel well together, do everything well together. I like our dynamic. And I know that bringing another child into the world wouldn't mess up our triangle, it would just change our triangle, but we're happy how we are. Even Marlowe say's she prefers not to have another sibling. That may change over time for her, I don't know, but we're all good and happy. From a love and heart standpoint, we have all the love we could want with our tiny triangle.



To be honest, I'm not sure what makes people want bigger or smaller families--- why some people dream of five or more kids and some of us are only content with one. I can't really explain it. But five and a half years after giving birth to one, I'm still happy with one.

And really, if I go deeply into thinking about small and large families my mind goes here: From a mind and practical standpoint, one makes sense. I've always been hesitant to bring this up in past posts because I don't want to offend others who choose to have large families-- that's their choice to make. But I feel like there's really not that much I can do to save our Earth from the direction it's heading in--- but one small choice I can make is to choose to have one child-- and if I ever want more, to adopt. Sustainably, our family is creating much smaller foot print by making this choice. More people = more rainforests being pulled up, more waste, it just more need from this already struggling earth. Is me having two kids vs. one kid really going tomato a HUGE difference? No, but it'll make a small one. So I'm happy, hoping that my one small kid will make a big difference, now and later. You know?

I don't know, there's just so, SO many thoughts that go into my head when I think about having another kid--- more than just breast-feeding and long nights. When I think about diapers, I don't just think about changing them, I think about what that really means-- all the steps involved and how it affects us and EVERYONE. And yes, I used cloth before, but still, there's just so much that goes into all of it. My head maybe goes too deep into all of it. Everything from my health, my teeth, the space (or lack of it) in our house, the cost of airline tickets, birth in a hospital, my grumpiness from lack of sleep, Marlowe having someone to grow old with, the idea of Marlowe squeezing and loving a little baby, Alex holding our baby and me looking at Alex with love instead of anger (heh), weight loss from breast-feeding, lack of weight gain now, diapers in landfills, the cuteness, my work schedule, and on and on and on. Never ending, over thinking thoughts. But thats okay for me. I can handle my thoughts.

I guess at the end of the day I can think of a million reasons why getting pregnant again would be nice and I can think of a million reasons why we're better off as if. So where we stand now: If I were to get pregnant again, it'd be okay. I'd probably panic for a bit and ask myself over and over again, "can my body handle this?" but overall, we'd all be okay. But we're not trying to get pregnant now, soon, or ever. My friends all joke that my instagram would probably do a lot better if I was constantly pregnant and having more babies, haha. But we like things just the way they are ;) We've got one really good kid.  

And to end this, how cute are these three together?!  I like the idea of Marlowe having siblings to grow old with. But I guess I really lucked out living so close to family-- and I know for sure that my brother is not going anywhere. Marlowe has that. And man, she is absolutely the best big cousin I've ever seen. We're good, lucky, and happy.

ps.  The cousins came over and I realized all three were wearing tie-dye, completely unplanned. Perfect, right? :) I think my friends are right-- it's a pretty cute image, maybe people would like my instagram more if I was posting undeniably sweet and happy scenes like this all the time ;) Sorry instagram, no more kids for you-- just more of my feet and garden ;)

pps. I feel like this isn't even all my thoughts, but it's a good bit of them. You guys know I over think and ramble. We're happy with our choice and I happy with whatever anyone else chooses for themselves too :)

Hope you're having a good week!

#ramblerambleramble

14 comments:

  1. That's a great and very helpful post Drea! Once i read the title i dived in right away. I've been always set on having just one kid but was never able to quite put it into words. You've described it perfectly. I want that dynamic you guys have. Some people are just not to have big families with loads of kids. One will be more than enough for me :) Then again when time comes, you never know!

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  2. I loved reading this post. There is so much pressure on women (and men) to have children and when you have one child to then have another child. It's you life and you and everyone else is entitled to live THEIR life the way they want to live it! ;)

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  3. I'm glad you brought up the planet! That's a huge thought in my mind as well. I don't have any kids yet but I'd love to adopt after I have one or two max to do what I can to help. <3

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  4. I always like to hear other people's thoughts on everything. This post though, is almost like reading my thoughts :) thanks for the wonderful description, this is exactly what my messed up mind needed (I agree with Corina on that!)
    I would love to have a kid, but I am over-thinking the planet - economical- "where the hell is this world going to" issues..
    When my husband and I tell people we might not have children at all, maybe just one which would be wonderful for us, everyone freaks out :p

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  5. I've never really thought about the environmental impact of having a child, but it's certainly an interesting thing to analyze! I'm glad you guys are happy and feel secure in your decision. Plus, Marlowe is absolutely beautiful!

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  6. I love this post. I had a baby 5 years ago that I lost and am now struggling with, "Do I even want to have kids?" I like my life. I like my life just how it is. I am scared to have kids to "mess up" how my life is. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am scared. And when I do think about having kids, I think one kid would be best for me. But then I feel like I would regret not having more (or any). And I get confused. GAH! It's a lot to think about. I'm not getting any younger. And I'm not getting any closer to having kids. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with these thoughts.

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  7. Thank you for sharing! I have been through the same process thinking and talking and rethinking etc...the whole second child thing. Having a second child child never happened naturally for us anyway but for years we went back and forth about if we should try harder or not. My daughter is now 10 and it's a done deal...we are a happy little family of 3 and there won't be any more. And I love it...we travel well, we live well in our small house and we just work well together. And...my daughter has tons of cousins that she is super close with so that helps fill the sibling gap. With that said the other night I was watching her sitting at the table drawing and I was thinking that she would have made a wonderful big sister...especially at this age when she is maturing so much...and it tugged at my heart a little. But in the end I know that just the three of us is what works for our family and that's what's important.

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  8. We had three three and under and I'm not sure if we are done. My best friend has one and it's a great little dynamic. Very different but just as awesome. We don't have cousins though :(

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  9. Thank you for this post Drea! Just recently I re-read your post about having just one from a few years ago. My son is now 2.5 and although "the plan" was always to have two, my husband and I are both happy with our one. Life is so good with him. We live our lives pretty similarly to how we did before we had him, yet things are just better and even more full-filling (and of course sometimes challenging) now that he is along for the ride with us. I can't imagine changing things now, ya know? Yet on the other hand, I feel like the question to have another baby is always on my mind. I can't get myself to get rid of any of his old baby stuff, and do get sad at the thought of never using it again. This is probably the toughest internal conflict I've ever had, as I am usually pretty in tune with myself and my wants and needs, and for some reason it does help to hear how others in similar situations feel. So thanks again!

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  10. Can I just say I love how you think?? I FEEL like most people who have kids don't even think about it at all - probably not true, but that's what it seems like. Whereas me and my husband overthink it so much. We are analytical; that's what we do. 5.5 years in to marriage and still no kids (and now I'm in grad school). I COMPLETELY agree about the not wanting to have lots of biological kids b/c of the effect on the earth - but not wanting to bring that up b/c I don't want to make people feel bad - but it's true!! Anyway, thanks for this post. And your family - you guys seem so great together!! Makes me want to have a kid - yours is such a little buddy, and such a cool person. <3

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  11. Lovely post. We have friends that have a miracle baby(they can't have children) and she's just the best thing in the world, we can't imagine them having another one, just because they have the most perfect baby we've ever seen. Sometimes one is just the right amount

    www.melodramaticadventures.com

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  12. As a mom of just one (9-year old) daughter, this post really resonated with me. My husband and I did the same thing when my daughter was 6 - one month of "let's see what happens"- and my feelings were the same as yours. Such relief when I got my period. I'm happy with my little family of three. Thank you for sharing your thoughts - it's nice to read insight from other families with just one and yours is adorable!

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  13. This and the previous "one" post is so very familiar to me... we went through all of those feelings as well. At the end of the day we just didn't want another one. My son is almost eight now and we're all so happy, calm, together, full of love. What more can you ask for?? Loved reading your words.

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  14. It IS a huge decision. Since having my second I've had the urge for a large family (like, BRING IT) even though we had always planned on two. And I know it's a bad-environmentalist move, bad for travel, and bad for my poor, poor perineum...so I can't explain it... I'm going to wait and see how I feel later on, when I'm not so stoned on breastfeeding hormones.

    All this to say, you do you man. Reserve the right to change your mind, or not. Great post.

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