I'm not sure what really happened to me in the last hour, but I went from perfectly fine to moody and antsy--- and pretty quick too (it felt like seconds). Well, really, I've gone through maybe ten different emotions today for absolutely no particular reason--- though I've been mostly good, averaging more than 95% happy, haha. I sort of wonder what I would be like right now if I hadn't of gotten so sick this past year. What would be different? What would be the same? Not that it really matters. Every so often I come to a place where I want to do EVERYTHING-- but have no motivation to get going. Well, I'm not sure if I'm lacking motivation--- I have tons of motivation. I'm just not sure what it is that wont click on. I mean, I'm happy almost all the time--- I'm not like bumming around by any means (except for the times when I'm too sick to do anything and get all stuck inside for longer than three days-- THEN I'm sad, otherwise no, not at all!). I'm happy. Alex and I are closer than we've ever been before. We love our home. Our garden is growing. Things are good. (You'll notice I'm working out my own thoughts as I sit and type this)... but maybe I'm just overwhelming myself. Now that I think of it, that makes the most sense. For example, we keep the house really clean almost all the time, but when it does get messy-- and the messy is sprawling throughout the whole house, I freeze. I just don't know where to start! Cleaning is easy for me, often enjoyed even, but when the mess is so big--- I just don't know where to start, even though I've done every task more times than I can count. Even as a kid, I remember going to Lisa's house and offering to clean her room (i'd clean all my friends rooms--- hell, I do it now when asked), and I'd just throw every single piece of mess into one giant pile and just start one piece at a time. I couldn't handle it if it was sprawling, but I'd be ready to go when it was stacked together. I'd work better with one end goal--- one giant focus mess in front of me. And I think thats me right now--- except with no mess at all.
I think it's just that I'm finally mostly well for the first time in 10 months and I have SO many things I want to do that I just don't know where to start .(This is not a terrible problem to have, I realize). And hell, with some of the ideas I have, I don't know if I should even start them or if I'd be well enough to start them if I decided to move forward. (I'm confusing, I know). All my thoughts are kind of thrown all over the place and I'm having a hard time putting them in one pile to work on. I need to somehow bring all my brain farts and ideas together and move forward.
I'm just rarely very good at wrangling myself in.
It takes a while.
I feel like this week, while it's been really, really fun, has been sort of a giant procrastination (with lots of cute photos in-between, ha). I mean, I did finally mail the packages that were sitting by my door for four months (!), other than that, this week has been more play than work for Alex and I. And of course, I think thats okay! Because we do deserve fun too! But I'm not good at allowing myself tons of fun without a ton of work too. I'm just not sure what to work on.
Oof. I'm rambling hard tonight. I think I just need to remind myself that fun is part of the plan too. And no one found or held onto joy by over thinking work or negative things all the time. And I really don't need to rush into anything, so I just need to chill and know that everything is going as planned--- in the most unplanned ways possible.
So until I gather all of this amazing week's photos... here is a collection of random photos spanning over a three day time period from a few weeks ago when my random friend Hailey was here. They somehow, in someway, describe the vibe right now.. even if only to me ;)
not my beer, just my party vibe.
gently down the stream.
(we'd make a really good morning show.)
tiny treasures if you look.
"is this how we act natural?"
often feeling like this.
I don't know friends, I think I need to challenge myself to pile up all my shit and just pick something, pick one piece up and go. Not get so overwhelmed. So distracted. So lost in the intangible clutter. Everything I want is right here. I don't need more, so any move I make is just extra. I need to remind myself of that. (Maybe you do too.) I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. A birthday dinner for my little brother. Plans with visiting friends. And we might go get new (LADY) chickens (old chickens) if the mood is right. And Alex amazingly has a day off. This weekend should be
good great. And the week after that. And after that. And after that--- and if it's not, well, that's cool too.
Side note: my step mom suggested that maybe I should start journaling all my thoughts to see if it eases my mind-- and I looked at her half confused and asked, "my blog?" and we both sort of laughed. I truly do overshare all of the cluttered thoughts in my head, just as I would in a written book. And this post feels like a good example of writing it down and working it out--- whether or not I'm the only one reading it or there's a handful of eyes following along too. 15 years after my first blog post, it's still cool and scary.
Have an amazing and random weekend, friends.
Go away and make it happen.