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Random Random


I'm not sure what really happened to me in the last hour, but I went from perfectly fine to moody and antsy--- and pretty quick too (it felt like seconds). Well, really, I've gone through maybe ten different emotions today for absolutely no particular reason--- though I've been mostly good, averaging more than 95% happy, haha. I sort of wonder what I would be like right now if I hadn't of gotten so sick this past year. What would be different? What would be the same? Not that it really matters. Every so often I come to a place where I want to do EVERYTHING-- but have no motivation to get going. Well, I'm not sure if I'm lacking motivation--- I have tons of motivation. I'm just not sure what it is that wont click on. I mean, I'm happy almost all the time--- I'm not like bumming around by any means (except for the times when I'm too sick to do anything and get all stuck inside for longer than three days-- THEN I'm sad, otherwise no, not at all!). I'm happy. Alex and I are closer than we've ever been before. We love our home. Our garden is growing. Things are good. (You'll notice I'm working out my own thoughts as I sit and type this)... but maybe I'm just overwhelming myself. Now that I think of it, that makes the most sense. For example, we keep the house really clean almost all the time, but when it does get messy-- and the messy is sprawling throughout the whole house, I freeze. I just don't know where to start! Cleaning is easy for me, often enjoyed even, but when the mess is so big---  I just don't know where to start, even though I've done every task more times than I can count. Even as a kid, I remember going to Lisa's house and offering to clean her room (i'd clean all my friends rooms--- hell, I do it now when asked), and I'd just throw every single piece of mess into one giant pile and just start one piece at a time. I couldn't handle it if it was sprawling, but I'd be ready to go when it was stacked together. I'd work better with one end goal--- one giant focus mess in front of me. And I think thats me right now--- except with no mess at all.

I think it's just that I'm finally mostly well for the first time in 10 months and I have SO many things I want to do that I just don't know where to start .(This is not a terrible problem to have, I realize). And hell, with some of the ideas I have, I don't know if I should even start them or if I'd be well enough to start them if I decided to move forward. (I'm confusing, I know). All my thoughts are kind of thrown all over the place and I'm having a hard time putting them in one pile to work on. I need to somehow bring all my brain farts and ideas together and move forward.

I'm just rarely very good at wrangling myself in.

It takes a while.

I feel like this week, while it's been really, really fun, has been sort of a giant procrastination (with lots of cute photos in-between, ha). I mean, I did finally mail the packages that were sitting by my door for four months (!), other than that, this week has been more play than work for Alex and I. And of course, I think thats okay! Because we do deserve fun too! But I'm not good at allowing myself tons of fun without a ton of work too. I'm just not sure what to work on.

Oof. I'm rambling hard tonight. I think I just need to remind myself that fun is part of the plan too. And no one found or held onto joy by over thinking work or negative things all the time. And I really don't need to rush into anything, so I just need to chill and know that everything is going as planned--- in the most unplanned ways possible.

So until I gather all of this amazing week's photos... here is a collection of random photos spanning over a three day time period from a few weeks ago when my random friend Hailey was here. They somehow, in someway, describe the vibe right now.. even if only to me ;)

not my beer, just my party vibe.

gently down the stream.

(we'd make a really good morning show.)

super foods.

derp.

tiny treasures if you look.

"is this how we act natural?"

explore.

rainbows everywhere.

with him.

often feeling like this.

and this.

I don't know friends, I think I need to challenge myself to pile up all my shit and just pick something, pick one piece up and go. Not get so overwhelmed. So distracted. So lost in the intangible clutter. Everything I want is right here. I don't need more, so any move I make is just extra. I need to remind myself of that. (Maybe you do too.) I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. A birthday dinner for my little brother. Plans with visiting friends. And we might go get new (LADY) chickens (old chickens) if the mood is right. And Alex amazingly has a day off. This weekend should be good great. And the week after that. And after that. And after that--- and if it's not, well, that's cool too.

Side note: my step mom suggested that maybe I should start journaling all my thoughts to see if it eases my mind-- and I looked at her half confused and asked, "my blog?" and we both sort of laughed. I truly do overshare all of the cluttered thoughts in my head, just as I would in a written book. And this post feels like a good example of writing it down and working it out--- whether or not I'm the only one reading it or there's a handful of eyes following along too. 15 years after my first blog post, it's still cool and scary.

Have an amazing and random weekend, friends. 

Go away and make it happen.

6 comments:

  1. 1. Omg your pants in th photo with the Einstein wall are so pretty- are they vintage? If not where can I find such colorful awesome pants?

    2. If you're talking career/work goals, my faculty advisor recently played an *awesome* game with me to put things into perspective. He made me rank my goals from 1-5 in both feasibility and in how effective they'd be in getting me to where I want to be in life (for me this is a global health physician.) based on these rankings I came up with a plan of what to tackle first. It was fun, and suddenly all my tangled confused thoughts, ideas and life goals became less overwhelming. Anyways, sorry for the massive text. But maybe this will help. Or maybe not. Lol. But it's nice to hear you're feeling better!

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  2. What fantabulous pictures, love the different places you've photographed. I am struggling a lot at the moment to know just where to start with everything, it can all be utterly overwhelming, and things are urgent now. All of them! I think your idea of just taking one at a time is a good suggestion. CJ xx

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  3. ummm... are you inside my head right now? because this is exactly how i've been feeling lately. maybe it's the beginning of a new year and there are so many things i want to start doing, like exercising again, taking a pottery class, taking more photos, go on more adventures, and i just don't know where to start. i'm the EXACT same way about cleaning too, it's kinda freaky. our house is always a crazy mess after the holidays too and i'm always like, where do i start. too many things going on in the brain. sometimes lists help, sometimes they don't, but it's just really hard to find a good starting point. so good luck with that and i hope you have a fabulous week, and the one after that and the one after and so on. :)
    -Tina

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  4. I clean the same way! Big pile on the bed then you HAVE to put it away before bedtime. Usually gets the job done. Also I love the murals, especially the Einstein one.

    I just read an article about journaling and how that and meditation are the best things you can do for your mind. I've been hesitant to use my blog as a journal/mind dump (too personal!) so maybe that should be a 2016 goal. I think I'll start with a pen and a pad of paper first.

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  5. Drea, you are preaching to the choir! The messier my house gets or the larger my big dreams list gets, the more I freeze. Thanks to this post, I'm going to pick ONE thing tomorrow and just start. :)

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  6. Love all the photos. Living a colourful life is the best way to a happy life! Sometimes its best to just take it one step at a time and just enjoy what is in front of you, rather than thinking you still have so much to do. Easier said than done, I know! but its worth it, it makes you feel less like a crazy person and more at ease.

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