I've changed a lot this year. I can almost feel it every day. I can feel it every day that I pay attention. Everyone assumes that turning thirty / reaching another decade will bring on a big change, but I never assumed it would change like this. This year has of course gone nothing like I expected it would. Sometimes I still can't tell if it's a good or bad thing that I've changed. I've lost parts I once enjoyed, that others probably enjoyed too. I do feel like I'll find the parts I've lost again or a new, still benefiting version of them (if I want to), but that it'll just take time.
The good news is, I've gained a lot too--- even on the days that are hardest or on the days where I just want to let out a cry, I know I've gained a lot too. Somehow, in some way, I've gained a lot. I've gained knowledge. I've gained a greater awareness of self. And with a lot of work and practice, I've gained more self discipline too. In the shit of it all, I am growing.
I'll never be who I was a year ago. With or without the hard times, thats the way life works. I've beat myself up my whole life. Physically, emotionally, internally, and externally. And now, finally, three decades into this lifetime, I'm working my way into not only repairing myself, but hopefully becoming some even better version of who I would otherwise become. A more knowledgeable, aware, and disciplined, version of myself.
Our earth, my body--- sometimes I think we're all too far gone. I'm pessimistic all to often about what we've done to ourselves and our planet now. Often jaded by my own experiences and the world around me. After years of poisoning myself with antibiotics, a careless and harmful diet, and whole list of other toxins, I finally started caring about my health about eight years ago. Thirty years into my life and I'm really quenching to understand it all, to dig deeper, to heal, repair, and thrive. This body is my only vessel-- my one, bruised, once poisoned vessel. Sometimes I fear that it's too late, that I've done too much damage. And yes I know thats no way to look at things, but the thought creeps in on all the worst days. But all I can do is try to move forward--- I can't and wont move to any positive direction unless I try.
I do often hope that I've shed some light to others along the way. That my mistakes are a lesson not only for myself, but knowledge for others. Sometimes I feel like giant guinea pig to show others what I've learned and what not to do. Really. But I mean this in a good way. All too often, the thought pops in, "this sucked for me, but at the very least, maybe people will hear my story and know better." I want no one to struggle and learn first hand what I have.
After thirty years and the hardest year of my life, I've finally gained the understanding that how I treat my body, will change my mind, my life, and affect every single thing around me. That "not being sick" is not enough anymore. I want more. My body deserves more.
How To Preserve Lemons:
Mix large amounts of salt with your favorite seeds, herbs, or spices. Slice lemons in half, rate, and slice in half again, leaving the bottom intact. Sprinkle a small layer of your salt, covering the bottom of a large mason jar or other glass jar. Fill your cut lemons with your salt. Place in jar. From time to time, press down lemons to release a bit of juice. Layer in more salt and repeat until jar is almost full. Give the jar a shake, and place on self. Turn upside down every few days to mis up liquid and salt. Move too a cool dark place or into fridge. Patience now. In one month your lemons are ready to use.
When life hands you lemons, preserve them.