So I'm not doing great, but I'm not awful either. I write ten million blog posts in my head about my health, my fears, my questions, my everything, but my thoughts rarely make it to the keys. Thoughts about the future, the now, the past, heaven, sickness, wishes, everything. My mind raises often, always has, always will. And right now, my main priority has been to try to quiet my mind, or at least fill it with as many positive thoughts as I can to crowd out any fears or pains. The good news is, I have lots of good news. The bad news is, it's been two months now that I've been sick, that I haven't driven, that I've been half on and half living, and at times, I've hardly been living at all---- but I'm trying.
So let's start with the scary and apparently most threatening stuff, my c. diff. Well, I'm happy (and nervous) to say, that I think I'm actually beating it. It seems as if my gut is on the mend. I mean, my gut still has A LOT of work to go through--- I've got some IBS leftover to battle, I can't eat raw foods at all (I miss you kale) and I'm on the most restricted diet ever. I lost ten pounds from the c. diff. Yes, ten pounds, which may not sound like a lot to some, but thats a good 10% of my body weight I had to unwittingly say goodbye to. I haven't been at this weight in ten plus years, and honestly, never had planned to return to it. But I'm here. I think the scary thing about losing all this weight is that, if the c. diff returns, then what? I have no cushion to lose anything else. Yikes. So I'm doing the best I can to gain weight with this restricted diet and stomach issues. All my favorite protein sources, had been a no-no for my gut. I'm only finally adding some of them back in, but really: Beans? No. Nuts? No. Tofu? No way. Everything was and has been a 'no'. I was eating mostly cooked, pureed beans, for a while, but was told to cut back on that too. And I'd be lying if I didn't consider, on multiple occasions, asking for a bone broth. Fear and sickness can do some pretty funny things to you. But I've held back and have been determined to get healthy again, without the need to eat dead things. I did however, end up giving in and eating eggs. A middle ground, I guess. Pretty grossed out still, but it's been the only real protein source my stomach can handle without issues. So, eggs are back in my life for the first time in 9 years. I plan on putting together a post on all the things that have helped me through the c. diff, but for now, I'm still working my butt off to ensure it wont return-- because it can, easily. I'm not in the clear for at least three months. I do feel that if I can keep up with this diet for a few more months, adding in a few things, every once in a while, then I should be good.
But about a month of diarrhea? Ugh, I've been left completely depleted and malnourished, to say the very least. I had blood work done at the very start of all of this (before the malnourishment) and with the exception of three minerals, I wasn't missing or low on ANYTHING. "Perfect" blood work, every time. No anemia, no b 12 deficiency, nothing. I was really healthy. Now, I'm low in so many things and trying my best to rebuild. I've been pulled out of the anemia I ended up with, but I'm still very far from thriving. I thought I had put back on two pounds this week, so that made me happy and very relieved--- a sign that I am finally getting somewhere in this battle, but a visit to the doctors office proved otherwise. Nonetheless, I still do feel like I'm on the mend and I will gain the weight back, eventually.
The Dengue/viral infection thing? Who the hell knows. All I know is that whatever happened in those first two weeks of hell seems to have mostly have passed. I still get random sharp muscle pains-- and my fatigue is ridiculous. Once upon a time, 6 hours was the perfect amount of sleep for me, now I'm looking at a 10 hour minimum to function--- and by function, I mean, sit or lay somewhere other than my bed, but most likely just the couch. So for now, still mending and I spend most of my time, just trying to feel better. I'm doing the little things I can now, but open to all things that can help. I've been left with really low blood pressure that has been causing me a lot of issues. It's not necessarily life threatening, but it's definitely a problem. It's possible (and likely) all of these issues may have caused some sort of endocrine dysfunction to occur in my body. I'm on a mission to find out exactly what and how I can help it get better. I've also ended up with more jaw issues from all of this--- night time teeth grinding party. Boy, it hurts my gums, jaw, and, and ear area. But now I'm super fancy at night wearing a mouth guard. Watch out world, I'm bringing sexy back. It seems to be helping.
And the tumor discovered in my brain? Well, for starters, it's there, but the good news? All signs point to benign. Of course, if it grows it will be an issue, and I will need surgery or treatment to shrink it, but for now, I can rest. The only plan is to watch it, carefully.
So things are good, or at least okay. I miss my active and fun life. I miss feeling super healthy. I miss pizza too of course, but things are okay. I'm going to start getting more acupuncture treatments and bring back some more gentle yoga in my life as my energy builds--- if nothing else, to heal my mind. And I'm doing what I do best--- I'm planning fun things, to give me more things to look forward to--- you know, positive happy future goals. We head to New England soon, and if I'm up for it, Alex and I will be making a road trip to Vermont and maybe Montreal. Then we have a trip planned for July and August--- so yes, I am determined to feel better by then and enjoy all the things I love most.
Thanks for being a positive force in my life, guys. It means a lot to me--- all your warm wishes, prayers, positive thoughts, they do all help. Thank you for caring. I got you a rainbow.