So I've been thinking a lot about this space lately. What it is. What it was. My mind changes a lot when it comes to future ideas. My mind changes a lot for everything. It's who I am. My ideas change depending on what day of the week it is, or because of how much I slept (or didn't sleep), or depending on the weather. I wrote about it a week or two ago, but one of the things I enjoy most about this space is the flexibility and freedom to just be me. The thing is, I'm forever changing in who I am and what I want (growing, not changing). And sometimes I'm more certain than the moon on who I am (comfortable in it) and whats going on around me and sometimes, like the tides, I'm up and down.
No matter what I've been doing or where I see myself going, I feel like one of the things I enjoy (and one of the scariest things as well) is that I can share my beliefs in this space. And whether I'm directly speaking of them or just showing my life through pictures, I'm able to show who I am. I feel like I lost a bit of the written part in here along the way, but maybe mostly in this past busy year.
And when I start thinking about bringing back more of my words and point of views to showcase alongside my pictures, for a second, I question--- who am I? I feel like I even lost a bit of myself in this busy season. This past week has been an emotionally challenging one figuring that out again. See the thing is, I'm not sure I fit into many of the boxes here on the web. But now and before, I'm not sure if I ever have (in life too). From the beginning, my family was different, my decorating was different from what I had seen, my views on so many things felt different-- and only until certain trends starting popping up (lets use things on toast or bright textiles and patterns from across the world as an example) have I started to feel like, oh I sort of fit here, but only because this is who I am and what I've been doing anyway. It's who I've always been.
I think I'm finding, the moments I've been happiest or most excited about life, are in the times when I wasn't looking to fit and I was just allowing myself to, well, just be myself. And even though the internet will always be growing and becoming increasingly over saturated with boxes to fill and images to be*. I need to remember that who I am has always worked---- and yes, I've never quite fit--- not within the boxes we self create on the internet and certainly not before the internet either and that's been okay. Thats not to say each person fits in one box and thats that, there are grey lines for sure. And thats not I didn't struggle and I always thrived (I've had the best of both), but I was most content in the moments I embraced who I am---- as physically and emotionally imperfect or unfitting as I may be or feel, without fear. It's hard not to have a certain level of fear when opening up to the big bad internet, but I think I do a pretty good job at keeping it open and real, despite fear. And for the most part (but not always) I do a pretty good job at not letting fear take over in my general life.
*please note: I know I'm part of the 'over-saturated internet problem'--- you're not in traffic, you are traffic.
I mean, this is just one example of many, but I'm not a romantic. I see beautiful pictures paired with romantic stories spanning across the internet and I think how lovely and how sentimental. And I know people love that, it's something beautiful to gush over, but it's just well, not me. It just reminds me of my forever battle with clean, crisp white spaces. The moment I try to fill a room with only whites and autumn colors, I struggle. And not only do I struggle, but it becomes a struggle I make myself feel (unnecessarily) bad for. But outside of superficial decorating battles, and back to real life--- whether I lost sentimentality somewhere along the way or never had it at all, well, it doesn't matter, it's just not here. And the reality is, I would feel better about myself not even trying to play that role. I love my family endlessly and unconditionally, and I'll cuddle with them for hours on end if you let me (some days I'm lucky enough to actually do it), but stories of soft squishy toes sprawled out on fluffy white linens--- well, I'll leave that to the people who are good at that. I'll leave the romantic story-telling to the romantics.
No, I'm not a single mom anymore-- I'm far from that, actually despite everything we've gone through, Alex and I are more stable than I ever imagined we could be. People say marriage is work, and sure it is, every relationship requires work, but we've gotten to a far easier place than I envisioned this/our/a relationship to be-- and I'm grateful for that. He's been a steady rock that I've needed this crazy year (thanks babe!). I'm luckily not sleep deprived like I once was (thanks Marlowe!). And my yellow floral couch is now a blue floral couch (thanks online clearance?). But other than that, I'm still very much the same person I was when I started this blog, but growing. (We can say it, I'm getting old. Granny status weekends). I still hold strong in our mostly natural lives and our need to live simply, often and get by with less, when we can. I still forever have an urge to travel and a need to create. And though I'll never be a romantic story teller, I'll excel with sarcasm and shitty (wonderful) puns placed within my poor poor, grammar. Oh and I'll still have a love for ridiculous things that contradict almost everything else I believe in (aka: disney, bbq chips, and indulging in incredibly trashy tv at least once every two weeks, to name a few). But it's a balance. And while I'm not perfect, I'm good at balance--- or I'm good at striving for balance anyway. No, I may not love everything about myself, emotionally and physically, (there's lots of room for growth, at least in the emotional arena, I'm sort of stuck with this face), but I think I'm pretty good in the fact that my ideas are only my own, they are real, and well, I'm pretty proud to have a real voice in this sometimes disingenuous and misleading online place. Not perfect, but I'm certainly genuine through and through. And I'd like to think I balance and manage the best of this real, commercial world, while thriving within my natural home. And I want to share that more, my rather flimsy balance and my sometimes backwards, simple life.
So back to where I started. Knowing I have good things. Knowing I'm good at many things. Being content with everything and everyone around me, but at almost thirty years old (yikes), re-giving myself permission to be content with who I am--- even on the harder days.
Hi, I'm drea. I'm not a romantic. I believe in living a natural and simple life, but stepping outside of that on occasion. I have larger thighs than most would assume for my size. I've never been incredibly fond of how I look (but I'm not uncomfortable with it either). I'm forever off-beat. And this week has been tough, I'm learning to embrace the best and worst parts of myself again.
*I wrote this post a week or two ago--- when I was on a down-swing for moods and I wanted to give myself time to sit with it before publishing it. Two weeks later, and even though my mood has dramatically improved, I thought I should share this. Like I said, I know I'm not perfect, and man my lows can itch and poke at me pretty hard, but its nice to feel like a real person. Thanks for letting me ramble.