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At My House I've Got No Shackles // You Can Come And Look If You Want To

It took me about five months of living in my old home until I was ready to post a home tour... it was something unplanned. Everything slowly came together.... and then one day I looked around and thought "I love my home, I should share it". This home... well, I love (love) it, of course, but it doesn't feel ready to be shared. I've been here about two months? I think so. And boy, ohhhhh boy have I made a lot of progress in this house. I found myself saying a few weeks in "I don't think I'll ever have this house done" the response returned (by an interior designer friend) was "No. A house is never done. It takes time to develop". I know that. Each day I'm adding small touches here and there, that all seem to make a big difference.

........
I've got to be honest. I've been sitting with this post open for three days. Three days I've been trying to find the words to write. And not just about my house, but about everything. My life. So many times I just want to come here, open up, and let every thought spew out of my head. (There are so many). But much of the time, I just want to come here, and shut it all down. When all is said and done, I know I'll keep going... but I'm just, finding it hard to find the words I feel safe to write. I share so incredibly little these days. Not just here, in this open and public space, but even with some of the people closest to me. I wonder, is this how most people live their lives? Not with secrets... but not as an open book? Probably. It's not that I plan on closing off forever... it's just that... this thing I'm doing... this writing.. and sharing (on the blog and in life), it's a process, and I'm heavily editing these days. Not to change a story, or make something up, but to... well... I don't know. I'm figuring it out. I came here to write about my home. I came here to say, I would be posting, room by (unfinished) room, a tour into my house. And I'm realizing that I've been sitting here for three days, because this house post.... subconsciously, has been a metaphor for my life. I don't want to share anything that I'm not completely comfortable with. I feel uneasy sharing my home when there are windows with missing drapes, artwork missing frames, baseboards falling off, and touches of love that are still waiting to be made, and placed upon a dresser or shelf. Why is it that my perfectionism picks and chooses it's own battles? I never, not once, started this blog to portray a picture perfect, idealistic life. My story is messy, my past is messier, and well, I'm a control and a neat freak, with my own varying idea of what "perfect" is. I wanted to show something real, a work in progress, and a story that (hopefully) touches some, resonates positivity with many, and organically unravels to create a novel that I can close one day, look back on, and think, "well, that was something worth reading."

This house, this home, it has scared me a bit. It has pushed me to want and feel like I need more. I'm trying to work towards a lot of things right now. And yes, I've been doing much of it, behind closed doors. I'm going to start sharing again: one unfinished room at a time and one incomplete thought and unfinished storyline at a time. I function differently than most, in how I move forward. Its either really quick or it's not at all. I don't work well in the middle so I need to stop forcing myself to try to sit in the middle. And I need to stop letting my fear slip me up. I need to trust that my wants, needs, plans, and goals are credible, strong, and worth something, because they are. I'm a controlled perfectionists, that loses control often, and that's okay. So, right now, my goal, my plan, for this very moment, today, and for how ever long it takes in the future, is to let go of my fear.  When life hands you lemons, you made lemonade, right? I'm trying to make my life the best damn lemonade stand you've ever seen.

11 comments:

  1. i like to think that when life hands you lemons, you add vodka. but hey, that's just me.
    welcome back. there is no such thing as perfection. your home is lovely and it's your home.
    on a lighter note i just got back from bhoom shanti. xoxo

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    1. I tend to agree with Lily about the vodka!

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    2. I love that you have given everything so much thought. The metaphor for life stuff. I definitely go through periods where I feel like I CAN'T share how I really feel or what's really going on because it's too personal or because it's just too in flux or because my blog has become a space where I seek REFUGE from the world, away from the scary stuff. Come to think of it, that's how I think about MY home, too. xo

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    3. I can't mix liquor with citrus. It gives me heartburn.

      Also, Claudia, you were the one that made me feel insecure about my lack of curtains and frames JUST SO YOU KNOW.

      I love you. It's cold. I need my boots (and boobs)

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  2. Drea, your home is so lovely, it has such a beautiful feel to it, I am very envious. And so much space! Thank you for sharing everything that you share, it is very much appreciated.

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  3. I feel the same way about sharing. I just started opening up a little about my break up and moving back in with my mother on my blog. It is a very big work in progress, and sometimes I worry about the judgment from others.

    About what you said about moving forward... I am in the process of doing that right now. I move very quickly or very slowly, and I have found that the slow path is the best path to take. You discover who you really are and you learn from your mistakes. It's a healing process.

    You were my inspiration for opening up about things on my blog. I love coming here and reading. You are real in what you share, even if you don't think that you are. I have never seen another blogger open up and share as much, and I find it truly inspiring.

    xoxoxo krystin

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    1. Someone sent me a sweet email with a good metaphor. It's like showing up undressed when you open up about the unresolved. It makes sense. It's hard to show up naked anywhere, because no matter what, you will be judged by someone. Only positive thoughts for you here, my dear :)

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  4. When life hands you lemons... I'll stay near your lemonade stand. Thanks for your honesty, so beautifully written. x

    www.todaymyway.com

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  5. Haaaaaa. Love love! Always thought that was a bit of a funny line.

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